Embracing the Hard Part of Growth

Embracing Growth: Overcoming Stuckness by Practicing Self-Kindness

Have you ever had a great idea and you finally decided to jump all in and start to take the steps to bring it to life? You begin with shaky feet and hands, but it starts to flow and you’re getting better at it, starting to experience some successes and movement. You start to get good feedback from people around you, maybe a little advice and guidance on what to do next. It starts to take on a bit of a life of its own as it grows from just a seed to the beginning of new plant peeking its head out of the soil for the first time. There’s momentum and excitement, and hope and possibility, and optimism and confidence, and belief in yourself and your ability to do this thing.

…And then that fateful day arrives when you look in the mirror, and your reflection asks, who the heck do you think you are? You’re instantly knocked on your behind as all of that budding self-confidence starts to escape your space like an untied helium balloon. What happened? I was doing so good! Was that all for real, or was that just imagined? The self-doubt and self-criticism creeps in like a virus affecting every one of the 30 trillion cells in your body, leaving you feeling depleted, hopeless, depressed, all the things that keep you from being able to get back to the work you are meant to do. Oh, the unending vicious cycle!

I can’t be the only one that this happens to. Who here ever made a commitment to healthy lifestyle change? You finally decide it’s time to jump on the literal and perverbiale treadmill and get moving. Out come the gym shorts and shoes, the water bottle that measures the 64 oz a day (at least) you’ll now be drinking. The healthy food on the grocery lists and the meal planning containers you’re finally going to put to use, are all ready for the big change. You already have the gym membership, you just haven't used it in a while. But that's all gonna change on Monday. And then the magic happens. You start. It feels hard, but good. You stay on it, even if you don’t want to. You keep a good schedule and it starts to feel easier. Your friends and family start to notice a difference in you, a good one, in your mood and your physical appearance. You even inspire some of them to get started doing the same thing. You’ve got this! It’s the new and improved you. And then it happens…you get sick, or you go on a trip, or you have a super busy week, or you have family in town, or you have series of events that take your time and energy and focus, or you accept five lunch and dinner invitations in a row….you name it, it happens. You step off the treadmill and it begins to become a place to throw your clothes on in the house, until it’s unrecognizable. Your gym membership becomes one of the recurrent monthly charges that you just try to ignore.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this! I don’t share this to make you feel bad, although it is true that misery loves company! But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to reassure you. I’m here to tell you that a lot of us do this. I do it. Slips can become slides, all the way back to where we started. The feelings of failure that reside side by side with lack of confidence, self-doubt, and disappointment in ourselves can be enough to make us never want to try again. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You probably don’t know this, but I’m writing a book. I have been for the past two years. I started seriously thinking about doing it around six years ago. The idea for the book has been forming for about 11 years. During the past two years I started and stopped probably 20 times. Each time I get to the next step in the process I literally shut down. I stop. I have a million excuses, and they are all legitimate reasons why I stop. But what I have come to realize is that…I’m scared. I get overwhelmed and then I start questioning my ability. Imposter syndrome sets in (even though I've been a practicing therapist for over 20 years!) Who am I to write a book?

As I sit here at my laptop, I realize that I stop as a protection against fear of failure, judgment by others, perfectionism, and self-condemnation. I admit it, it’s true. May the truth set me free! This time, instead of going down the rabbit hole of self-loathing and feeling like a total fuck up that will inevitably take me farther away from my comeback, reigniting the depression and anxiety that is always waiting in the wings to step into centerstage of my life, I choose kindness and compassion for myself. I want you to do the same.

Change is hard, painful at times. There's a beautiful quote by Maya Angelou that says, “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” I think of that quote often and share it with my therapy clients that struggle making the changes in their lives that will bring them the peace and contentment they so desperately desire. If that caterpillar in the cocoon could consciously experience the physical pain of turning itself inside out and metamorphosing from a slug-like creature to a winged goddess, it would probably be quite painful.

Practicing patience and kindness while you are working on your thing, your improvement, your goal, your book, is necessary for growth. Think of yourself as just a child on a journey that you have no directions for. Don’t yell at her, don’t scold her or ridicule her for taking a misstep. Don’t roll your eyes at her or call her names if she needs to sit for a while and rest. Be with her. Sit with her. Put your arm around her and tell her she’s got this. And when she’s ready to get back at it, praise her and cheer for her. Tell her how proud you are of her strength. Be her guide and her friend.

Acknowledging, understanding, and validating what’s behind your stuckness is the key to getting unstuck. We do this by continuously checking in with ourselves and being curious and accepting of our feelings. This makes it safe to express feelings of fear, and when we express the true reason behind our slip, or our stuckness, it is much easier to get back on track.

Validation is simply saying, “you have a right to feel that way, it’s ok that you feel that way”. Something magical happens when you give or receive acknowledgement and validation. “Wow, you’re really upset. I totally get it. You absolutely have the right to feel that way.” Truly being seen and heard, or giving that gift to another, will instantly calm the storm and allow for the clouds to reveal the beauty of the sun, which is your true self. Only in this state can we take another step. We are fueled, filled up, by acknowledgement and validation. If you have someone in your life that provides this to you, wonderful! It's an added bonus. If you don’t, give it to yourself. It will make a world of difference.

Embracing change and overcoming stuckness requires a holistic approach that combines acceptance, validation, and kindness. By practicing these principles in your daily life, you'll create a foundation for personal growth and transformation. Remember that change is a gradual process, and setbacks are a natural part of the journey. Treat yourself with the same kindness and validation you'd offer to others, and watch as you gradually unlock the potential for positive change and a more fulfilling life. Remember, you can do this!

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